We Are Not Alone

I've come to realise just what a unique position I was in.

My husband travelled for his job, leaving every week before the sun rose on Monday morning and returning usually after midnight on Friday. For nine years, I was 'home alone' for four days each week, and then on Fridays from 7am-7pm while he was in the office. I was alone on birthdays - but thankfully not on birth days. I was alone on holidays. I was alone on anniversaries. And, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary - including my own upbringing, for most of those nine years I thought everyone lived like this.

I thought everyone was vigilant and wakeful at night. Everyone with children, at least. I thought everyone was scheduled and structured and spent their time always on, always busy, unable to relax. I thought everyone kept calm and carried on.

And I knew lots of people had it worse than I did. So I didn't complain. Not overtly. Outgoing introverts seek other outlets.

I busied myself, as you do, with the goings-on of my children. With the forced friendships of 'Mommy-and-Me' classes at the pool. With the friends who hadn't abandoned us when we left the city for the suburbs. With overseeing the maintenance of a first house. With scheduling visits and roadtrips and long walks and meals. And in all of this scheduling, I lost myself. Literally. I lost the ability to see clearly the situation I lived in. The incessant busyness of cleaning and decluttering and surfing the web, and sourcing and researching and volunteering built a wall between my life and 'the rest of the world.'

And so I became a bystander. Where once I had carried giant balloons in festival parades for the World Cup, I was now carrying Red Robin balloons tethered to Vera Bradley bags. Where I once had hopped a plane to Seattle 'just because', I was now drinking 'Pete's Blend' on a bench surrounded by prairie grass. Gloriously, I had turned my life into a role I longed to play but with a script I couldn't read. And I seemed, like a voyeur, to be watching it all happen from the cheap seats.

I remember the day I first thought: "I did this to survive." It was five months after my younger son was born and I was planning the daily 'afternoon outing'. Recalling both the freedom of my own youth and the memories of long days spent in offices with windows that wouldn't open, I wanted my children to spend as much time outdoors as possible regardless the weather. As I was planning where to go on that bitterly cold day, my best friend phoned to cancel her plans to join us. Her oldest was sick the day before and it was travelling through the family at breakneck speed. I made plans with her to get food and drink on her table that night when she said something that threw me: "I keep thinking that I just have to make it until 6pm and then he'll be home and I can relax."

I have no idea how many times she'd uttered this phrase previously. A dozen times? Perhaps a hundred times. But it was like reading a verse or hearing a song that you've heard so many times before and only now really understanding what it means. She only had hours to wait until she could relax. She only had hours. I had days. It was just Tuesday, after all. I had days. Days before I felt like I might be able to relax. Days, actually just a precious 48 hours, that would be chewed up and spit out and then Monday would come again. And then I would have more days. And I realised that not everyone lived like this.

I went through the afternoon focused on getting the meal prepared for her. I piled the children in the station wagon and drove the 30 minutes to her house. After setting the table, getting the oven prepped, and cleaning up what messes I could, I made the reverse trip with both the rush hour traffic and the realization that I was in a new place emotionally closing in on me. Later that night, when the boys had been lovingly sanitized from our trip into that familiar but infected home, I sat on my sofa in front of 'Location, Location, Location' on the DVR and sobbed.

I didn't answer the phone when my husband called that night. I listened to the voice mail he'd left with a numbness spreading through me. I remember ringing him back, cognizant of the distance in both my heart and my voice. I remember thinking how unfair I was being. How removed. How cold. He told me I was. And I remember thinking "I did this to survive. I did it to survive being alone and what it feels like to be alone. I am alone and I don't want to be. You made me be alone."

We are made to be in relationships. We are not made to be alone. That we have to or that we believe that it's OK if we are is a lie. No one earns points for being alone in a world that is full of harmonies and dissonances and complements and contrasts.

Two years ago, I asked to not be alone anymore. He said, "I never meant for you to feel alone. Because you never seemed like you were."



Today's conundrum:
If we pay to have something installed 'within 48 hours', are weekends included in that 48-hour window?

Future conundrum:
Do fish really gotta swim and birds really gotta fly?

Thanks for perusing the blog. Speak again soon.   tIO x

The Advent Book

As you might have guessed from this post, we celebrate Advent. I love looking for a new Advent calendar each year and may, in fact, have several waiting in the wings for future use or to give to friends. But our favorite way to observe Advent is with this wonderful book:

The authors, Jack and Kathy Stockman, have created a gorgeous way to celebrate the Christmas story. Truly appropriate for the coffee-table, 'the Advent Book' contains original illustrations by Jack and features 25 doors which open to reveal a picture and segment of the Christmas story. It's told chronologically, beginning with Gabriel's revelation to Mary and ending with Jesus' birth. 'The Advent Book' has become a tradition in our house with our boys taking turns reading even and odd pages. (Amazingly, they seem to remember from year-to-year who read which pages last year and switch accordingly.)

  

 

Some screencaps from the Advent Book site

If you are interested in ordering, click through here to shop the Stockmans 'Celebrations and Traditions' site.

Hope you have a happy, healthy holiday season - and enjoy this 'most wonderful time of the year!'

Thanks for perusing; blog you again soon!  tIO x

PS: If you do buy the book and have little ones, I suggest playing the 'hidden animal hunt'. On each page, Jack has 'hidden' an animal - some easy to spot, others not so.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Turkey, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2007 (Getty Images)

"O Lord, we thank Thee for this food,

For every blessing, every good.

For earthly sustenance and love

Bestowed on us from heaven above.

Be present at our table, Lord.

Be here and everywhere adored.

Thy children bless and grant that we

May feast in paradise with Thee."

Happy Thanksgiving

He is not here.

He is risen!

Indeed. Happy Easter.   tIO x

Verse 30

"It is finished."

Hey Everybody it's Pancake Day!

It's Shrove Tuesday, aka 'pancake day', aka my pancake-loving mother's favorite day!

If you are not heading out to a traditional pancake breakfast, perhaps you'll want to stay in and try this recipe, a favorite at our house:

OATMEAL-BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
2 cups old-fashioned oats or quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup all purpose flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups buttermilk
2 large eggs
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Additional melted butter (for brushing skillet)
Lingonberry preserves (optional)
Fresh blueberries (optional)Whipped cream (optional)

Combine first 6 ingredients in large bowl. Whisk buttermilk, eggs, 1/4 cup melted butter and vanilla in medium bowl. Add to dry ingredients; whisk until blended but some small lumps still remain. Let batter stand to thicken, about 2 hours. (Can be prepared up to 1 day ahead. Cover batter and refrigerate.

Preheat oven to 250°F. Heat heavy large skillet over medium heat. Brush skillet with melted butter. Working in batches, ladle batter by 1/4 cupfuls into skillet. Cook pancakes until bottoms are golden brown and bubbles form on top, about 2 minutes. Turn pancakes over; cook until bottoms are golden brown, about 2 minutes. Transfer to baking sheet. Keep warm in oven. Repeat with remaining batter, brushing skillet with more butter as necessary. Serve with lingonberry preserves and fresh blueberries and whipped cream, if desired. Makes about 20.

(image via charms4you on Etsy; recipe via BonAppetite, August, 1999)

Batter up, blogfriends!   tIO

PS: My lovely mother generally eschews the berries for cinnamon chips and maple syrup. True New Englander/Southerner that she is. xx

Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men

                          I heard the bells on Christmas Day
                              Their old, familiar carols play,
                                   And wild and sweet
                                    The words repeat

                        Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

                      And thought how, as the day had come,
                             The belfries of all Christendom
                                      Had rolled along
                                    The unbroken song
                       Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

                            Till ringing, singing on its way,

                      The world revolved from night to day,
                                     A voice, a chime,
                                      A chant sublime
                       Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

                      Then from each black, accursed mouth
                         The cannon thundered in the South,
                                   And with the sound
                                  The carols drowned
                        Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

                          It was as if an earthquake rent
                        The hearth-stones of a continent,
                                   And made forlorn
                                The households born
                       Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

                         And in despair I bowed my head;
                       "There is no peace on earth," I said;
                                 "For hate is strong,
                                And mocks the song
                       Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

                   Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
                       "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
                                The Wrong shall fail,
                                  The Right prevail,
                     With peace on earth, good-will to men."

                           Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

                             Happy Christmas from tIO x

Mid-week Music: Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! 'Linus' monologue'

Technically not 'music', but worth repeating:



Happy Christmas!  tIO x

Five days and counting...

The anticipation is ramping-up in our house.

Carols are the random song-of-choice, and daily we hear the exclamation: it's almost here! Indeed.

Our shopping might be finished, but the chore of keeping the presents hidden remains. We don't have snoopers, which is a good thing; but it is tiring.

And I end up having weird dreams about camels traipsing through the field and into our back garden.

Today's conundrum: Will the traditional 'Christmas pajamas' arrive this year? Or will we be left with a "ships after Christmas" promise?

Future conundrum: Is the idiom 'happy is as happy does' legitimate? Is it, in fact, an idiom?


Thanks for perusing this blog; blog you again soon! And happy Christmas, kringles!  tIO x

Santa, Baby...

"Dear Santa,
I've been an awfully good girl this year. And any (or all) of these lovelies would be welcome under my tree:

1.2.
3.    4.5.
6.7.   
8.   9.10.

11.   12.    13.
14. 15.


1. Suzanne Kasler: Inspired Interiors 2. Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall: The Garden 3. Birdsong Farm Botanicals: French Clay & Herb Facial Scrub 4. Laura Mercier Sheer Lip Colour: Sexy Lips 5. Pride & Prejudice DVD (Olivier/Garson) 6. John Adams mini-series DVD 7. tsurubride's 'Orwell Silver Fox Clutch' 8. HighStreetMarket's 'Pair of Vintage Brass Candelabras' 9. fussjewelry's 'All That Glitters' earrings 10. Tissage's 'Tuesday Cloche' in grey felt 11. plumcushion's 'Schumacher Chenonceau' cushion in charcoal 12. 2swansNest's 'Scallop edge Cashmere skirt' 13. 'Vintage Volupte Bookpiecce Bangle' offered by SheriesVintageJewels 14. 'Mitsouko' 15. NEVES for DS

Not to be presumptuous but I've included the links to the shops for you, jolly old sweet Nick. Hope that helps.

As ever, looking forward to next Thursday evening. I'll leave the 'milk and cookies' in the usual spot.

Gratefully,
tIO x"


Today's conundrum: Will he read this? Will he click-through? Will any of these gifts find their way to me (or to you)? *places hands on hips, raises eyebrow*

Future conundrum: Do they know it's Christmas after all?

Thanks for perusing this blog; blog you again soon!

Deck the Halls!

We went tree-hunting today. Huzzah! We have the best time, and the best luck, finding amazing trees at Wintergreen Tree Farm in Mantua. It's a short drive (approx 20 minutes) and their acres and acres of fraser firs make it unbeatable. Wintergreen is a no-fuss operation; parking is adequate and someone meets you at your cardoor with a saw. Then, they turn you loose into the wilds. (Perhaps it's due to the fact that we have sons but watching boot-clad, wind-chapped boys trudging through the fields is pure joy for me. And don't fret; liberal application of face cream will occur at bedtime.)

I didn't take any photos whilst there - silly me. But we quickly found five contenders, each one full and dense and with a sturdy 'topper' branch to brace the star. And we were home within the hour with this beauty:



As soon as the bale was off, our younger son hugged our "this-year tree" and our older son promptly sat-down at the piano to play some carols.

'Tis the season, lovelies! Hope you and yours enjoy this "most wonderful time of the year"!

Thanks for perusing this blog; blog you again soon! tIO x

Thankful

I'm thankful for many things. And that I was introduced to this book when my older son was one:



Buy it at your local bookshop, or online at amazon.com.

Be thankful to be able to read, and support your local chapter of

Pun intended.

Gobble, gobble.

I'm here; I'm here.

It's been a long time - yes - but when life grabs you and whips you around you kinda have to let go and let God, you know? I am moved to explain the fact that I thrive on my relationship with God. It's what gets my blood pumping, and out of bed every morning. I am daily amazed by His presence and by the truths of His grace, mercy, encouragement, and love for us. Some days, I am so captivated by Him - watching His hand moving in my life and the lives of my family - that I forget that time doesn't stand still waiting for me to be sated of this understanding. I'll never be sated. Perhaps that's why the optimism is inveterate. Perhaps that's why I have nothing to say during conversations rife with anger. Perhaps that's why I choose to let go and let God. It's powerful - not weak - to recognize your limitations and recognize a being who has none. It's purposeful - not ignorance - to believe that you don't know everything, that you don't have all the answers. It's peaceful - not fearful - to put your trust in the One who created you and loves you more than anyone else can. I truly believe that God knows the number of hairs on my head, what I did yesterday, what I asked for forgiveness for today, and that I'm going to ask for it again for the same thing tomorrow. I am drawn to Him morning-noon-and-night by a deep need for the unconditional love that only the grace of God can satisfy. In a fit of what was declared 'teenage drama', I declared to my oldest brother that "I think God gives us our teenage years to search for something - and He wants us to find Him". I don't think that's such a dramatic statement anymore.

"Ask - and you will receive; seek - and you will find; knock - and the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7


Today's conundrum: Will there ever be truth in advertising?

Future conundrum: Why do some people never apologize?


Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

(Stamps foot and sighs)

I remain optimistic...
...because I believe that we will always be attacked for ___________ (insert reason here).
...because I believe that we will always be persecuted for ___________(insert reason here).
...because I believe that it will always be about power, not ____________(insert reason here).
...because I believe that it will always be, until He comes again.

Anyone else tired of - but optimistic about - all of this?


Today's conundrum: When will our self-righteous media ever realize that they are one of the greatest enemies to our safety? Further, will they ever get sick of their own self-aggrandizement? Will we?

Future conundrum: Will the real Wonkette please stand up?

Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

One Giant Leap for tIO...

It's not that I can't commit. I'm married. I have children. I have a mortgage and furniture that cannot be moved under cover of darkness or without assistance.

It's not that I won't adapt. I have a whole set of adapters to use whereever I am with whatever appliance I choose. And I know what Bluetooth is and how to use it.

It's not that I haven't tried. I have this blog, don't I?

Too many technological demands are required of us these days. Should I post on my blog? Should I create a space on My Space? Should I finish that draft for the web site? Should I read "the Borrowers" to my children? We've just finished reading "Farmer Boy" and it certainly does something to you to be reminded of "the simpler times" when "free time" was not some arbitrary concept of a much-sought-after way to live. They may not have jetted cross-country in hours, but those who had less access then weren't bombarded with minute-by-minute reminders of what they were missing just five miles away. We, on the other hand, feel left out if we don't know what's going on in Namibia or can't connect with someone - anyone - within seconds 3500 miles away. This passion to connect (and to be connected, both literally and figuratively) drives us to desperation and distraction. It seems to me that "in the olden days", people put their heads down and did what was necessary to exist - hopefully happily and well - right where they were. We are admonished to "live in the present" and "spend quality AND quantity" time and "have it all" NOW! Reading anything historic leads me to believe that their lives were very present indeed. See Bedel for further reference.

This is my struggle: to put my head down and do what is necessary, both happily and well. I've been deemed an "early adopter" by the neural networks, and - while a but impressed with myself for that - wonder what I did to merit the moniker. I just can't get my head around the best uses of our time. It's a tough spot to be in, especially when I'm charged with raising children who need to learn the value of spending your time wisely. Inevitably, I return to what I know - reading, making music, throwing a ball into a glove or through a hoop, cooking and baking, knitting and sewing - and less to what has come to be, e.g. anything that plugs in. Not very savvy, if you ask me. My children are entering into a new world, one that I'm not sure of and not fully a part of, and I want them to not only be active but succeed. Perhaps it boils down to my needing to be brave, and go into this new world. So, here I am taking the leap. Look out...

Today's conundrum: Aside from our faith, how do we inject a sense of permanence into a "world gone disposable"? Perhaps the permanence we seek isn't found without our faith that this world will pass away and all things will be made new. They will be made new. They will be made.

Future conundrum: I have these tiny bugs - springtails - which are neither harmful nor destructive. I have yet to uncover their purpose. How is it that something is not harmful, not destructive, and seemingly without purpose? Why are we wired to need a purpose? He is clever, non?

Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

My first love

So where was I?

Oh, yes. Football. Well, I'm over football now, FYI. You see, at heart, I am a true baseball fanatic. I prefer baseball to any other sport - even Aussie Rules. Even tennis. Even (insert sport here).

Spring has sprung, officially; and they are training hard in Florida. They haven't started Johnny yet, and I haven't fully accepted him yet either. Oh, now wait. I can hear you all cringing, and writhing on the floor in anguish that someone else has declared themselves a Yankee fan. I'll have you all know that I have been since birth, as my father is and deemed it so for me as I drew my first breath. Yes - I have lusted in my heart for other teams (the '85 Royals or the Mets - gasp - of the Lee Mazzilli era). I have never strayed, however, from my first loves: Ron, Bucky, Dave, Reggie, Tino, and Donny Baseball. I could go on and on, but will stop short and state that one of the happiest days of my life was the day I experienced first-hand a Yankee victory parade through the Canyon. Having spent my entire life in Indians/Reds/Tigers/Cubs/WhiteSox-country, I was finally able to scream myself silly in a frenzied, jubilant celebration of MY team's victory. Moreover, I shared this altered state with 1/2 million others. Sheer bliss.

So, welcome, Spring! Let's line the base paths, dust the plate, and kick the rubber. I'm stretched and ready. And, may the Yankees pennant soar high once again in October!

Today's conundrum: Why does the teachers' union exist? Why as a faction of the AFL-CIO? Will the real educators please stand up? I'm inclined toward believing that teaching is actually a self-serving profession. At what other job can one demand the attention of so many for so long? I am further convinced that the checks and balances ascribed to the profession are mere ruses. "No child left behind" has frustrated competent, thoughtful educators and allowed average and seriously poor teachers to hide behind governmental "teach to the test" standards. [Aside: please note that I distinguish between educators and teachers.] When we enroll our children in a school, we expect them to be taught (not right from wrong..we'll take care of that at home, thanks) - not forced to work for work's sake. Perhaps it's all just a question of numbers - PAC monies, governmental and corporate sponsorship, state funding, bottoms-in-seats at the games, drones needed for the future. Perhaps it comes back to "thoughtfulness", which, dishearteningly-so, became a dirty word in the 60s, when it was replaced by the self-agrandizing "tolerance". What's the saying: those who can't, teach. And those who teach should realize that they are not God's gift to humanity. Jesus was.

Future conundrum: Will Aardman make another W&G movie? Will we ever play another W&G playstation game? Will Peter Sallis win a BAFTA or Oscar for lifetime achievement? W&G rules!

Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

It's all about the XL

Detroit: the Bus stops there.

"This is the inveterate optimist SuperBowl special. Reporting live from the heart of Cardiac Kids country..."

Today will be an interesting day in sports. Superbowl XL + the run-up to the winter olympics = hyper-happy-drive. Anything going on in tennis or world cup or yachting that I should know about? I am relieved that Madden finally made it into the HoF. Reggie White, too. But Aikman? I'm optimistic(inveterately) that someone out there has a D-fence for that one, and I'd like to hear it. Why not LC? - or Richard Dent? By-the-way, da Bears have more HoFers than any other team. "Time there was a time there was a time..." But, now..." Here we sit waiting for 6:18pm EST. Waiting for that clean-shaven no.7 to take the field and take command. Waiting for the Bus to run - and run - and run. Waiting for the hype to over-Alexander-ate the reality. Waiting for something to better "wassup" or Nike. Waiting for Polamalu. Waiting for Monday to officially quarterback the game.

Today's conundrum: Are gummi bears truly gummi and bears? Or are they harvested and candied from their Black Forest homes as my husband terrifyingly proposes to our children?

Future conundrum: Why, when we are freed by our salvation in Christ, are we still tethered to our freedom-less sin? Makes me think, and think, and think...and then act, with His help and encouragement.

Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

Bears win! Bears win!...

Oh, wait. I already tried that. The Steelers won, which is good, and now Ben will get a chance to shave and dress for THE big game. I won't watch, and maybe he'll win. That's not inveterate optimism; that's just what you do to help your team win. That's why I miss whole seasons of Yankees games, particularly 1996 through 1999. Right now, I'm wondering if I should have watched less Alias and ignored Keen Eddie altogether.

By the way, today's mantra is "forgiveness". In the memorable words of Ken Medema: Give it up...let it go...throw it down.

Today's conundrum: Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? I loved that show, and the computer game. Please note that while I enjoyed my childhood/youth, I do not want/desire my children to relive my life. However, I certainly think that the value/enjoyment of that show/game would be beneficial to them. Do it Rockapella!

Future conundrum - Will animal prints, either in decor or in fashion, ever truly be stylish? OK...stylish, maybe, but classy? Tasteful?

Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!

And so it begins...

On a day full of snow and sun, with Rothlisberger and Urlacher on the fields, and the ripples of laughter bubbling up from the rumpus room.

With each post, I intend to bring a little bit of my inveterate optimism to life through antecdotes and narratives, ideas, conundrums, and questions to ponder. I will espouse views and set upon diatribes which would be abject in polite company (read: discussions of faith and politics). In fact, at times I might sound a bit cynical or even rancorous. I'm not. However, be forewarned: I am someone who knows what I want, knows that it's out there, and likes to talk about it.

Enter my motto: I believe...

On to Today's Conundrum: Where can I find two high-backed wing chairs in cherry or chocolate leather with nailhead trim and mahogany Chippendale legs? And when I say "wing chairs" I'm talking about wings that almost wrap themselves around you, shielding you from drafts and cocooning you in the radiant warmth from the fire. Further, I would prefer to find them at a tag sale or from a reputable dealer who wants to make a fair profit from me and not gouge the joy out of the sale.

Future conundrum: Why won't those in the service industry respond to service calls? Ponder and let me know...


Thanks for perusing this blog. Blog you again soon!